••
♥
I bought theater food once.
Long story short, my son will no longer be going
to college.
••
Sometimes, I feel like the lone french fry in a box
of onion rings.
••
"Now, I ride a bike to work to save on gas money."
= "I just got a DUI and my license is suspended."
••
If each day is a gift,I'd like to know where to
return Mondays.
••
Top Ten Signs Your Prize Fight Is Fixed...
10. Nickname on your robe: "The Mafia Puppet"..
9. Between rounds, HBO airs commercials for the
rematch..
8. Fight is sanctioned by the Salt Lake City
Olympic Committee..
7. You recognize the judges as guys who count
ballots at Teamsters elections..
6. The white guy wins..
5. Ref tells your opponent, "I wanna see a lot of
punches below the belt"...
4. Between rounds, someone keeps slipping you
Quaker non-violence pamphlets..
3. During end credits you see: "Fight
choreographed by Debbie Allen"..
2. Every time you start doing well, the ref stops
fight to look for his lost contact lens..
1. Odds are on Dame Ju di Dench to win in the
3rd..
••
The milk in my fridge went bad.
It beat up my orange juice and started selling
meth to all the condiments.
••
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do
banks have branches?
••
How dare you call me naive!
I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my
money to that Nigerian prince.
••
Thought I had $707 in my bank account,
turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my
statement upside down.
••
From Tunisia and Egypt, to Libya,Yemen
and Bahrain, the great bacon shortage riots
continue.
••
Once again, out of underwear.
Going with a napkin and a rubber band.
••••
