••
♥
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top
of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles
before you invite people over.
••
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their
husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights,
Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women,"
she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep,
only to be awakened by someone poking him in the
chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
••
Boss: This is the third time you've been late
for work this week.
Do you know what that means?
Me: It's Wednesday?
••
7 year-old: Its the last week of school so we
don't have to go..... Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.
Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.
••
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
"Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a
penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan.
"I thought I ran over a nun!"
••
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got
stuck in my nose.
••
Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the
choir.
From time to tome she would practice while she was in
the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head
outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter,
Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”
Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want
to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
••
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what
the speed limit was, like I'm getting paid to tell
him his job.
••
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my
yogurt to work tied up in a condom.
I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
••
If my memory foam mattress really had "memory,"
it could write for Penthouse.
••
Trying to make pancakes this morning and
it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.
••••
