••
♥
She said:
I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest
and it really hurts and.. Dorito.
It was a Dorito in my bra.
••
She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her.
I'll ask again when she wakes up.
••
"An armed robber made a clean getaway after holding
up a Best Western motel in the High Desert last week.
Police are searching for a suspect without any
identifiers to go by."
"That's what this Best Western's franchise owners get
for putting all the video surveillance cameras in the
rooms instead of the parking lot and the office!"
••
It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I
was just trying to get up.
••
A group of people were traveling cross-country on a
Greyhound bus.
The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway
when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop
the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."
The driver said he stop at the very next exit but
before he got there, another woman came up and
made the same complaint.
When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to
the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded
man down on his hands and knees looking under the
seats.
The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the
problem?"
"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it.
I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on
the side."
••
I think the hardest part about being a cashier is
telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to
"Have a nice day".
••
"One of the indictments of civilizations is that
happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the
same person." -- William Feather
••
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience,
loyalty, and the importance of turning around
three times before lying down
••
Well, if it doesn't include antidepressants,
they shouldn't call it a Happy Meal.
••
A woman and her little girl were visiting the
grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the
car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever
bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother,
"Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there read
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man'."
••
Nothing solves all of life's biggest problems like a
well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to
the face. -The Karate Kid.
••
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes
better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to
make my hands more soft.
••••
