••
♥
“The mosquito is the oldest known skin-diver.”
••
The Eagles eventually left Hotel California when they
realised the door said 'PULL' rather than 'PUSH'.
They never mention this in the song.
••
Until the Iraq War, most of us thought Sunni and
Shia were the Sixties duo who had the hit,
'I Got You Babe.'
••
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume
I'm a hippie and start talking about recycling.
••
When your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground
shortly”, fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when
you loudly add “one way or another”.
••
Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in
the hospital is the worst way to learn how a
defibrillator works.
••
If you don't like the idea of wiping someone's
ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you
probably shouldn't become a parent.
••
I gave my wife plastic surgery
I cut up her credit cards.
••
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested
people from behind, and one time accidentally
saved someone from choking.
••
Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me?"
take responsibility.
Ask, "Who can I blame for this?"
••
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally
blowing pot smoke in his face.
So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
••
My cat said "meow", so I answered with a "meow",
and now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
••
I took my turtle for a walk.
It's been six weeks and we are finally at the end
of my driveway.
••
Women always worry about the things that men
forget!
Men always worry about the things women
remember.
••••
