••
♥
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
because they always take things literally.
••
"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice
secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for
two months.
Obama promised reporters that the incident will be
immediately investigated.......
by the Department of Justice."
••
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines everywhere!
••
I'm taking the soul train to Funky Town with my
boogie shoes on, and the dish ran away with the
goddamn spoon.
This is really good weed.
••
So far at work I've straightened a paper clip
then tried bending it back to its original shape.
Employee of the month right here.
••
Life is like a dogsled team.
If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes....
••
Thanks to home security commercials, I am now
terrified of middle aged white men.
••
I didn't think my hangover was that bad until,
I just spent 10 minutes logging into my sons
etch-a-sketch.
••
"What can you say about a society that says that God
is dead and Elvis is alive?"
••
First class passenger to a sexy and gorgeous flight
attendant:
"What is your name?"
Hostess: "Angela Benz."
Passenger: "Lovely name.
Any relation with Mercedes Benz?"
Hostess: “Yes Sir. Same price"
••
I was just cleaning the rugs in the living room, when
a spider ran across the floor in front of me.
I remember reading years ago about how some
Buddhist monks will use a broom and sweep in front
of themselves to keep from accidentally killing any
small bugs they might step on.
It appears that a vacuum cleaner doesn't work the
same way...
••
“Two things you need to know about taxes.
They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when
you write your check, just make it out to China.
••••
