••
♥
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then
why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
••
Never trust a homeless person selling
warm lemonade.
••
Suzy said:
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the
news that I am simply plump and she has no reason
to be here.
••
When your boss says "you're getting a
little behind," he won't appreciate it when you
wink and say "been working out-thanks for
noticing."
••
I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied
with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands
that I'm having a heart attack.
••
I'm wearing a shower curtain over my head and
pretending to be a ghost.
I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is
avoiding me.
••
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.
••
I don't always eat breakfast in my underwear but
when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.
••
It was the day of the big sale.
Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in
the local paper) were the main reason for the
long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s
opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the
line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and
colorful curses.
On the man’s second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit,
and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the
person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time,
I won’t open the store!
••
On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals,
I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.
••
I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker.
It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time
studying a broad."
••
I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone
out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the
handle.
••••
