••
♥
"I don't have a bank account, because I don't know
my mother's maiden name."
-- Paula Poundstone
••
It’s Hard To Believe That It Has Been 45 Years Since
Lance Armstrong Walked On Moon … Really Hard
••
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit Obama's
national debt."
••
Some people should not be allowed to have a car.
I was on my way to a meeting this morning.
Driving on a main highway.
I was on the phone with a client.
I know that was wrong.
I had it resting on my shoulder holding it there with
my head tilted side ways.
I slipped over the white dots a little.
This asswipe blows the horn.
I was not that close to him.
I could see his front plate when I moved back.
So Mr Asswipe now pulls next to me.
Laying on the horn flipping me off.
Not just a second but for close to a 10th of a mile.
Then he takes off.
That just pissed me off......
Yes I know that was wrong.
But WTF enough is enough you know.
So I punch it.
As I am catching up to him I tell the client to hold on
a minute.
As I got beside him I put my McMuffin in my mouth
to hold it.
Move my coffee into my left hand.
Laid on the horn with my right elbow and fipped him
off back.
I know it was wrong.
But is felt so good to give him what for.....
••
One of the wheelchair basketball team players
has been tested positive for WD40.
••
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand
new business much like his own opened up
next door and erected a huge sign which read
BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor
opened up on his right, and announced its
arrival with an even larger sign, reading
LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an
idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own
shop, it read… Main entrance.
••
I had some food caught in my throat and was
trying to cough it up when a talent scout from
X-Factor heard me, now I’m recording a single.
••
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin
with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your
money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
••
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren't my kid are you?
••
Relationship status: I'm seeing several women in my
neighborhood.
*wipes binoculars*
♦♦♦♦
