••
♥
"The great thing about democracy is that it gives
every voter a chance to do something stupid."
••
"As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable
habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me."
••
I don't know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt,
then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my
rifle.
••
If you’re nice to proofreaders they'll save your as.
••
Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked
hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa...
How'd you know my name, bro?"
••
"Laws are like sausages.
It's better not to see them being made."
••
Don't criticize nudists. They were born that way.
••
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don't believe me?”
••
A Minnesota woman gave birth while at the bank.
The worst part is she was penalized for early withdrawal.
••
My daughter said she wants to run away.
We talked.
She knows she can walk.
I won't chase her.
••
I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed
on some windex.
Now birds keep crashing into my armpits.
••
"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me
to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
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