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♥
You only live once, so don't forget to spend
15 hours every day on the internet, desperately
searching for the validation of strangers.
♣♣
Me: Can I buy that chandelier?
Store guy: Of course.
Are you putting it up yourself?
Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.
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Hey Timex!
If I end up 660ft under water...
I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.
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When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy
Story so that they knew I was on to them.
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What if animals "were" injured in the making of
a film.
Do they list that in the credits?
Tim hurt one monkey.
He is very sorry.
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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because
of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she
was joking.
And then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
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I've spent the last six months trying to find my
Mother-In-Law's killer, but no one is willing to
do it.
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When I was a kid, I used to lick things
to make them mine...... It still works.
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I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan
Somebody is going to be wrong.
♣♣
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside
a clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying
profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked
Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
♣♣
Women don't consider it chivalrous when you
open bathroom stall doors for them.
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