••
♥
"A wise man gets more use from his enemies than
fool from his friends." -- Baltasar Gracian
••
My wife completely ignores me when she watches
Grey's Anatomy…
so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
••
I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.
Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.
••
A Texas oil magnate stormed into his lawyer's
office, demanding that divorce proceedings begin
at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.
"I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you
don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as
hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
••
I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case
I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit.
••
Order a pizza, then act confused when it arrives....
"A delivery for Aaron?
Aarons DEAD.
He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years
ago."
••
I'm tired of this long distance relationship.
Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room.
••
My ex got run down by a bus today.
I thought "Wow, that could have been me!"
But I can't drive a bus.
••
You know you are getting old when you have to
scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some
more, to select the year you were born.
••
My work day has been like the movie Sound of
Music.
But with less singing.
And more Nazis.
••
Weed is better than beer because with weed the
ugly chick stays ugly.
••
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their
chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in
their army knife.
••
A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo
during a thunder storm, when his windshield
wiper broke.
He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter
and says, "Excuse me, but could you give me a
windshield wiper for my Yugo?"
The clerk leans against the counter and thinks
for a while.
Finally he says, "Sure...that sounds like a fair
trade."
••
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the
office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait...
••••
