••
♥
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats,
the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!"
and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
••
The only reason people get lost in thought
...is because it's unfamiliar territory
••
At a friend's wedding everything went smoothly
until it was time for the flower girl and her young
escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the
guests.
When asked afterward why he behaved so badly,
he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring
bear."
••
Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school
I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
••
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at
this bank.
••
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by
pretending to go for his gun.
••
I had to go to the Medical Clinic last night.
That place is disgusting.
But they have this HUGE sign up on the wall in
the waiting room that says: 'If Life Gives You
Lemons....Make Lemonade.'
So what was I supposed to do?
Make Crab-Cakes?
••
I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks
that didn't appreciate my humor.
That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.
••
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower
and putting back on your dirty underwear.
••
Farting in the steam room
was a bad judgement call.
••
If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and
take names of people who seemed to be handling
it a little too well.
••••
