instant garage.......
••
♥
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad
at my parents, I stormed out of the house, got in
my car and just drove and drove and drove.
••
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.
••
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone
just so I know not to answer when they call.
••
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers so we could
identify their corporate sponsors.
••
Sold my wife on ebay.
Dreading the buyer feedback.
I wonder....
I will bet "we need to talk" was a nice little phrase
before women got a hold of it.
••
Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer
when your wife asks you why you bought her the
"heavy flow" tampons....
••
Sometimes words just aren't enough.
And that's why we have middle fingers.
••
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better
gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
••
The Pope is having some work done in the Vatican.
As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his
thumb with a hammer.... "Godammit!" he cries.
The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter
"My son, this is the house of God, such profanities
are not appropriate here.
If you have hurt yourself in some way you should
offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will
give you relief from your suffering"
Next day as the Pope is passing the same
carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw.
"Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says
the carpenter.
With that the fingers levitate themselves and
re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand,
all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles
his fingers, "Holy shit!" says the pope.
••
Not sure how coffee got its own table
in the living room, but kudos.
••
My brother's so homophobic that if he dropped
his keys in San Francisco, he'd kick them to
Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
••
A man was sent to Hell for his sins.
As he was being taken to his place of eternal
torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was
having an intimate encounter with a beautiful
young woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered.
"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting
demon snarled, "Who are you to question that
woman's punishment?"
••
Eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me
as much time as I thought.
••••
