••
♥
Thinking of filing a sexual harassment suit against
the guy wearing shorts on the inner/outer thigh
machine at the gym.
There are some things that can't be unseen.
••
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I was just born with mine.
••
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back with two police officers,
you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
••
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,
"I won't be in here long."
He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me
out, she's never let me finish a sentence before."
••
A depressed looking Southern Beauty walked up
to me the other night and said:
"I'm feeling so sad about my weight, tell me a
good joke that will make me laugh."
I replied "You're not fat."
••
I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be
with a woman who wasn't right all the time.
••
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.
••
Telling a woman she's being unreasonable is like
juggling lit torches while waist deep in gunpowder.
••
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone
out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
nude piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd
of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents,
cousins and all my friends Were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen embarrassment for
What seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned
a surprise party again.
••
If guys were smart they would forget the
nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls
buying frozen dinners and cat food.
••
If you really wanna piss someone off when
introducing them, make little finger quotation
marks in the air when announcing their job title.
••
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a
girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until
it caught fire.
••••
