••
♥
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.
••
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.
••
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by
her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
••
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like
their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
••
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow.
I phoned her and said, "Did you get my drift".
••
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was
spending way too much time playing computer
games.
In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing
more attention on his schoolwork, his father said,
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying
books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was
your age, he was the President of the United States."
••
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead
of cornflakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth.
••
10 Reasons to Buy a New Car...
10. Your passenger seat is on the National
Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion
taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old
on a moped.
7. The 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your
car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I
re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
••
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to
steal "The Club."
••
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep
running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
••
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle f
or making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
••
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
••
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name
when discussing morning tie-ups.
••
A mother was reading a book about animals to her
3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart!
What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at
her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
••••
