••
♥
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of
the bear world.
••
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered
for his anger issues and not for his amazing &
realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
••
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray.
He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
••
"Much of the social history of the Western world
over the past three decades has involved replacing
what worked with what sounded good."
-- Thomas Sowell
••
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval
stage of politicians.
••
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over
Africa had a malfunction, and went down.
A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a
rescue plane.
They searched the area and found a tribe of
cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked
him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied,
"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank
the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we
drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute,
a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...
'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with
Coke......."
••
I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare
'Drugs' the winner of the war on drugs.
••
How to tell what kind of bear is chasing you:
If you're running, and you're running, and you
run up a tree, and the bear follows you, it's a black
bear.
If you're running, and you're running, and you
run up a tree, and the bear shakes you out of the
tree, it's a brown bear.
If you're running, and you're running, and you
can't find a tree, it's a polar bear.
••
A man charged with assault and battery insisted
at his trial that he had just pushed his victim
"a little bit".
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to
illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him
firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared,
"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
••
A client walks into a lawyer's office and says
"I hear you're a high-priced lawyer?
If I give you $500, will you answer two questions
for me?"
And the lawyer says, "Absolutely!
What's the second question?"
••
In court the judge read the charges, then asked,
"Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a
lawyer to do the defendin'.
I'm the person who done it.
••••
