••
♥
Holding a grudge is like letting someone live
rent-free in your head.
••
When a woman is mad just tell her she's
overreacting.
She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
••
According to the 19 citations I got for
trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch"
isn't what I thought it was.
••
Two blondes, Sara and Dara are on the way to
work.
Sara: Shall we take a tram or walk?
Dara: Well, lets see what arrives first.
••
A guy was applying for a job as a lumberjack.
"Have you ever worked as a lumberjack?"
The foreman asked.
"I come from a long line of lumberjacks.
My father, grandfather and I all worked in the
Sahara forest..."
"Wait a minute....... " The foreman said.
"The Sahara is a desert."
"Sure," the guy shrugged, "now!"
••
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled,
"Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a
parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
••
After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
an old couple goes to bed.
Many of the guests at the party are spending the
night in the house.
"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years
ago?" asks the husband.....
"How I cut my finger so that everyone would
believe you were still a virgin?"
"I remember," says the wife.
"What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose
on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get
it up?"
••
I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and
its airbags deployed.
••
I read recently that most companies deliberately
employ one useless, incompetent, talentless
dumbass, just to boost office morale, focus the
other employees, and divert attention away from
any management failings.
What bullshit! I've looked around the whole office,
and none of my colleagues fit that description.
••
Jihadists are going to be so pissed when they
get to heaven and it’s just 72 dudes playing Xbox.
••
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but the pass
the parcel was quick!
••••
