••
♥
“It's useless to hold a person to anything he says
while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.”
— Shirley MacLaine
••
My "snooze" button should just be called the
"nope, no yoga today" button.
••
If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest",
I request that we start calling all girl parties
"taco time".
••
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight.
Apparently the sign "Stroke Patients Here" meant
something different.
••
The young blonde bride made her first
appointment with a gynecologist and told him
that she and her husband wished to start a
family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and
I don't seem to be able to get pregnant,"
she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor
reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on
the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young
woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my
husband's baby.
••
Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for
two greatest things in the world: beef jerky &
Billy Joel.
••
Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses
like a mom who just found out school is closed...
••
All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas' hair
has been wet for 20 years.
••
In the near future, little old ladies won't know
how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome
self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
••
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day.
Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you
can sleep for an extra hour.
••
My ex is going to make some guy very happy
one day, but completely miserable the rest of the
time.
••••
