•º•
♥
I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn
and now we don't have a garden.
••
Stretch marks are just God’s way of saying,
“You could have exploded like a cheap sausage
casing, but I let you live… this time.”
••
When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane
flying over NYC wearing a superman costume.
••
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one,
me or him, I told him everyone knows he doesn't
hire stupid people.
••
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same
time, There would be world peace for at least two
hours.......
Followed by a global food shortage.
••
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.
••
I said "You're not the boss of me" to my boss,
and it came true.
••
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's
little "boyfriend" needs to know about me is I
ain't afraid to go back to prison.
••
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize
for getting up early if you ask me.
••
You never get a second chance to make a first
impression.
Unless you work in the Alzheimer's wing of a
nursing home.
••••
