••
♥
Good news, everyone!
My proctologist called and all the tests were
negative.
Bad news, his ring is missing.
••
Just dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn't until Tuesday, but with security
and all, best to play it safe.
••
I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed
while adjusting my blankets.
Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah
McLachlan song.
••
For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe
not locking a car in a church parking lot on a
Sunday, apparently NOT.
Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
••
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so
closely but once I started watching Kung Fu
Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
••
My wife wants to have another kid.
That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and
saying, "I think we better turn around."
••
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks
100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me.
I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life
of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all
the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
••
I just went to church and had communion.
Ok, it was a gas station and I had two donuts,
but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto
ticket.
••
It’s less of a bald spot and more of a helipad for
mosquitoes.
••
It was slightly before Thanksgiving.
The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready
to go back.
The airport on the other end had turned a tacky
red and green, and loudspeakers blared
annoying elevator renditions of cherished
Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very
seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in
a particularly good mood.
Going to check in my luggage (which, for some
reason, had become one suitcase with entirely
new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with
red paint on some of the rounder parts and
green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in
a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and
nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want
to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of
mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale,
which is the place you'd have to step forward
for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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