••
♥
I can tell my kids inherited my sarcasm.....
by the way I want to punch them in the face every
time they use it.
••
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday.
It would be funny if this joke had a punch line,
wooden tit?
••
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side
of the road, just in case they're in the middle of
a race.
••
Some days it's little things, the tone of her
voice or her words when we're alone, that help
me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.
••
I always read my wife's Horoscope to see
what kind of day I'M going to have.
••
A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and
tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for
my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his
arms."
••
If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck,
then breaking a condom is 18, right?
••
Sometimes at the gym I'll struggle and make all
kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually
I'll get my shorts on.
••
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles
would fall off my cupcake.
••
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for
things when you get to the register.
Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter.
We'll wait.....
••
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural
enemies of the plastic fork.
••••
