••
♥
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer
it's "art" and "music", but when I do it I'm
"wasted" and "have to leave the Hardware Store".
••
Life is like the Superbowl.
It has a start, a half-time, an end, and crazy
people yelling at your mistakes.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise!
And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
••
How many democrats does it take to change a
light bulb?
FIVE....
Al Gore to ensure it’s a CFL,
an EPA agent in case the bulb breaks and a
mercury cleanup is necessary,
a consumer protection agent to bail out the home
owner in case of disaster,
an OSHA inspector to ensure that work conditions
meet all applicable federal guidelines,
and a member of the media to celebrate the
change.
••
Now that we are into renaming things like Mount
Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the
San Andreas Fault.
His suggestion, Bush's Fault.
••
It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my
house.
••
As a young child my mom told me I could be
anything I wanted to be.
It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
••
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t
work.
Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
••
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate
in a man, they love in a cat.
••
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered
by a vacuum cleaner.
••••
