••
♥
Told the Doctor that I have a bowel movement
every morning around 5:30 am.
He said there is nothing abnormal about that.
I told him Well there is if you don't get out of bed
until 7:00
••
“The farmer was surprised when his pumpkin
won a blue ribbon at the State Fair.
He shouted, 'Oh, my gourd.”
••
Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you
can't get to heaven?
Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker
you'll get there.
••
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands
over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his
nails.
He makes me terribly nervous."
My Billy used to do the same things," the older
woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky
habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth!"
••
There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in!
••
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and,
instead of bleeding, he sings."
••
I got a call today from a distorted voice saying
"Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife"
Both options were tempting, but I decided to take
the money.
••
My life is about as organized as
the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.
••
My twin sister and I had been out on our first
double date.
I immediately walked in the house after the
date, but my sister stayed outside to kiss
her date goodnight.
My mom was curious to see what they were
doing.
In order to see, she had to step on the toilet lid
in the bathroom to see out the window.
It was dark and she failed to close the lid so she
slipped into the toilet.
She was really embarrassed when she came
into the front room with wet feet and had to
explain why.
••
"So you're writing a down-to-earth story?"
"Yes, about a parachute jumper."
••
When I was a child I dreamed of being an
old west cowboy.
When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet
paper with aloe.
••••
