••
♥
"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last
stage of your life when you will be happy to hear
that the phone is for you."
••
I'd locked myself out of my car.
I watched the locksmith work with that wire that
slides under the window and then pushes up the
lock. I asked him, 'that goes under the window,
huh?
What do you do if the window is down?'
I swear, sometimes I embarrass myself.
••
Just gave my wife a 3 dozen box of condoms.
She laughed and called it a life time supply.
I laughed and called her optimistic.
••
Next time you make a booze run, try this.....
add diapers and baby food to your shopping cart.
When you get to the register, empty your wallet to
reveal only enough cash for the alcohol.
The look on the cashiers face as you tearfully ask
them to cancel the baby products from your bill
is priceless!
••
The best thing about sitting next to the
white guy with dreads on the bus is no one
thinks you're the one that farted.....
••
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over
regular bacon.
••
I bought a frozen pizza from 7-11 today
and it said on the box, "Cook for between 20 and
22 minutes."
Now, I'm not a rocket scientist , but isn't that
21 minutes?
••
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes
pancakes, sometimes waffles.
Always on breakfast food.
Why?
It's the most important meal.
••
Two boys were walking home from Sunday
school after hearing a strong preaching on the
devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.
••
What does a woman do to her asshole in the
morning?
Sends him to work.
••••
