••
♥
I'd cross the hottest desert,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd climb the highest mountain,
But I can't come over tonight because it's raining.
••
What if God IS a woman.
Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear
the end of it.
••
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need
to complain." --Lily Tomlin
••
At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that
the IT department should be living up to the
slogan, "Giving every user what they need."
I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn
around so we can kick them in the ass?"
It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing.
I don't work there any more.
••
I told the bank teller that I was changing banks
& wanted to open an account..
"Great..... What's the name of your former bank?"
I said, "Piggy"
••
Over the lips, and down the throat,
May you never wake up, next to a goat.
••
The newly divorced woman had never had to be
the handyman around the house before, and
quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
proper tools to do the odd jobs needed.
She made a trip to the local hardware store and
quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
there.
Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if
she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made
a determined effort to look and sound as if she
knew what she was doing.
Completing her first group of purchases she took
them to the clerk at the counter and looking
behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any
files.
She pointed to one and said "May I have one of
those ?"
The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said,
"What... one of those bastards ?"
Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better
give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to
'em too."
••
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of
unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not
still have change in the pockets.
••
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand
before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is
self defense.
••
I exercise religiously.
I go running dressed as the Pope.
••
It's the first day of school and the teacher told her
kindergarten class,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should
hold up two fingers."
After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny
asked: "How will that
help?"
••••
