••
♥
In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook
status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997
XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old
Escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side,
my laptop's been confiscated and the wife's gone
to stay at her mothers!
••
A man rushes into the bar, sweat dripping down
his face.
He looks around and sees his friend at the corner
table, five beers in front of him..
He goes up and apologizes to him.
He says "Sorry, I just got a pair of new golf clubs
for my wife"
His friend looks up and replies.
"Good trade"
••
I joined a Cold War reenactment group.
We just sit around and act nervous about the
USSR.
••
The best job ever?
Sleeping Beauty at Disney World.
You just lay down all day.
If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me,
I'm working here...
••
Me: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and
apple pie."
Her: "Which is this?"
••
'I like the smell of your meat'....
may not have been the best greeting to the hot
waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
••
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,”
“Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and
“Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers,
judges, and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
-Saint George Carlin
••
Just saw the new Godzilla movie and I just don't
understand how he doesn't hurt himself.
I once stepped on a Lego and had to go to the
emergency room.
••
I was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse
jumps out of nowhere..
To impress her I beat the living shit out of it.
I'm now single....
And banned from Disney World.
••
Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've
managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
••
According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now..
Also according to my neighbor's rooster,
we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
••••
