••
♥
I always thought a chickpea was
when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
••
The interviewer examined the job application
then turned to the prospective employee.
"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you
are available to start, meaning as soon as possible,
of course.
However, I see you've put AMAP down for
required salary.
I don't believe I've ever seen that before,
what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
••
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send
a lawyer.
Not that they offer any special skills, but so
there'd be one less lawyer.
••
These Valtrex commercials are confusing.
Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and
rock climbing?
••
Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"?
Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you.
I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was."
••
That last phone call with my wife was so boring,
I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
••
A very religious man lived right next door to an
atheist.
While the religious one prayed day in, day out,
and was constantly on his knees in communion
with his Lord, the atheist never even looked
twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a
well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his
children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous
and his wages were low, his wife was getting
fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him
the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised
his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your
advice for every problem and confess to you my
every sin.
Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in
you and certainly never prays, seems blessed
with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity....... Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL
THE TIME!"
••
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
••
Look, if you need a Heimlich, just ask me nicely...
enough of this flapping your arms and making
faces shit.
••
I've never literally been tortured but I have
walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
••
People with an unhealthy obsession over
frozen waffles are eggomaniacs.....
••
Definition of Stress: The confusion created when
one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or
choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
••••
