••
♥
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the
raccoon's are bench pressing my neighbors
Great Dane in the backyard.
••
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man
who has been single for a long time.
••
A little boy who prayed for a bicycle had an even
more startling surprise instead -- a baby sister.
That night he had a talk with God about His
delivery service.
"I got a sister instead of a bike," he explained to
God.
"Maybe some other kid wanted a sister and got
my bike.
Is there any chance we can keep the girl and get
me a bike, too?"
••
I do not encourage eating cats.
But judging by the amount of time they spend
licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty
damn tasty.
••
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because
Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
••
I'm no super genius, but I bet the most
effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the
baby.
••
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that
encourage eating using only the hands.
They don't give a fork.
••
...this just in.....
Gus was hospitalized with six plastic horses up
his butt.
He is listed in stable condition.
••
I broke my ankle golfing today.
I fell off of the ball washer.
••
I was in Scottsdale , AZ the other day.
I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that
read: “I miss Chicago .”
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot
out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper
sticker and left a note that read,
“I hope this helps!”
••
Can't afford those fancy water parks, so I just
throw cups of water in my kids faces when they
least expect it.
••••
