Not me !!....
••
♥
A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.
Everything was too expensive except for a glass
vase that had been broken, which he could
purchase for almost nothing.
He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend
would think it has been broken in transit.
In due time, he received an acknowledgement:
"Thanks for the vase," it read.
"It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece
separately."
••
A man was unhappy with the way his laundry
was done at the local Chinese Laundry.
So he wrote a note and put it in the bag with the
next collection of soiled clothes:
USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!
He got the clean laundry back, and was still
dissatisfied with the results, so, the following
week he enclosed another note:
USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed,
and when his clean laundry was delivered,
it contained a note from him:
I USE PLENTY SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON...!!!
••
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.
His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack
him.
••
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or
Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
••
A physical instructor was giving practical
demonstrations of various physical positions.
He stood on his head and blood ran to his head
making his face turn red.
Later he asked: “When I turned upside down,
blood ran to my face.
Now tell me, why the same thing does not
happen when I am on my feet?”
A back bencher replied:
“May be because your feet are not empty?”
Got kicked out of the casino again.
••
Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their
slot machines or something.
••
Three lassies from Scotland.....
I was at the bar the other night and overheard
three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I
approached and asked, "Hello, are you three
lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales,
Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.
Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
••
If they ever make an alcoholic drink that
tastes like bacon smothered in cheese,
I'll be dead within 5 hours.....
••
The milk carton is missing the label saying
that "It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly
thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW!"
••
Car engine quits running in Carpool Lane
A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer,
an electrical engineer and a computer
programmer are the passengers.
The mechanical engineer says it's a
mechanical problem, probably a broken belt.
No. the electrical engineer says it's an
electrical problem. probably a blown fuse.
No, the chemical engineer says it's a chemical
problem we are probably out of gas.
The computer programmer says maybe if we
close all windows and we get out and then get
back in the car it will start......
Oh boy, I am desperate!
••
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it's my turn.
- Horton Has to Poo
••••
