••
♥
If you see a porcupine in your yard,
that's my cat, and we're not done with our
acupuncture session.
••
Stupid Cat ?
So, earlier today, I was watching one of my
family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our
blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started
thinking 'Jesus, the frick'n stupid animal is so
damn easily amused'
And then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat
playing with a string for ten minutes.
••
The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is
a rhyme about the plague.
Infected people with the plague would get red
circular sores ("Ring around the rosey"), these
sores would smell very badly so common folks
would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously), so that it would cover the
smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies").
Furthermore, people who died from the plague
would be burned so as to reduce the possible
spread of the disease
("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").
••
I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we
got married....
but she thought "kinky sex" involved her
wearing hair curlers to bed.
••
Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth
Because nothing makes women happier than
feeling like all other women are dead.
••
My son walked over to the sleeping cat and
began gently petting her and telling her that he
loves her.
When out of no where, she jumped up, started
to hiss and scratched the heck out of him.
Needless to say he ran away crying.
But on a positive note, he's prepared for
marriage.
••
People who worry about immigration simply
don't understand our politicians long term plan.
When the rest of the world is empty we can
move wherever we like.
••
When I was a child my parents never allowed
me to have a dog.
I had to eat my own homework.
••
The grass was very thick and long, and it took
the boy about 4 hours to cut.
He approached the Father for payment and the
priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that
means?"
The boy replied, "Yes... tight ass!"
••
What did Spock find in the bathroom of the
USS Enterprise?
The Captain's Log!
••
A young girl of four had to have an x-ray taken
at the medical office where I worked.
She had been in an accident with her bicycle
and the doctor was afraid she may have broken
her wrist.
The girl, however, was very concerned about
the procedure and no matter how her mother
tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite the
fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility.
When she came out a few minutes later,
however, she was calm and all smiles.
"They just took a picture of my bones," she
explained to her mother.
"Yes, dear," her mom replied.
"I told you it was easy.
Did everything go well?"
"Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed.
"I didn't even have to take my skin off or
anything!"
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