••
♥
“I didn’t wash today.
I wasn't dirty.
If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash.
Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all.
I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair,
and asshole.
And to save time, I use the same brush.”
-George Carlin
••
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there,
falls five stories down, lands on the bottom.
Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, "Dammit", I said UP.''
••
There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
••
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to
his wife in the States to please send him a
harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his
mind off of the local women.
The wife complied and sent the best one she
could find, along with several dozen lesson &
music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home
and thru the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me
look at you... let me hold you !
Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all
night.
I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in
good time lover.
First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
••
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and
wondered how long you can sit there before
someone searches for you, the answer is
47 minutes.
••
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and
asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they
should be tested at their age, the old man said,
"Well, we heard on TV that people should be
tested after annual sex!"
••
When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for
her husband Ned, Ned commented,
"What made you buy the same color honey?
People may think I never change my undies."
Nancy asked, "which people?"
The silence was deafening!
••
The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks
and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper,
"Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny
child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar."
Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes
snarled,
"Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little
thing about you!"
••
A young lady walks into a doctors office.
"Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge"
The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and
has a good probe around and says
"how does that feel?"
Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...
but the discharge is from my ear!!"
••
MOST HORRIBLE DRINK....
The most horrible drink to be considered a
beverage and safely drunk is Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their
wedding night and consists of a small amount
of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen.
It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
••
The longest dump ever verified was produced
by an American, who produced a 'staggering
turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was
officially measured at 12 ft 2 in.
The offender is banned from 134 washrooms
in his state.....
••••
