••
♥
I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger,
I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their
eyes.
••
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us
into this world since our Moms were probably
tired and not in the mood.
••
If you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife
for it.
••
My wife and I had just finished tucking our five
young ones into bed one evening when we heard
sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy's room.
Rushing to his side, we found him crying
hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was
sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my wife palmed a penny
that she happened to have in her pocket and
pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.
Billy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from my wife's hand,
swallowed it and demanded cheerfully,
"Do it again, mum!"
••
I've always wanted to walk into a large room and
be the most beautiful woman in there.
But I'm scared of Walmarts :(
••
Q: How many managers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem
of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what,
exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the
bulbs work smarter, not harder.
••
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she
was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
••
My wife and I haven't had sex for over a year
yet she's 3 months pregnant.
Which begs the question....
How damn slow do my sperm swim?
••
My son ate all the marshmallows in the
Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying
for his college now.
••
Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you.
Because the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.
••
I played Golf for the first time ever yesterday.
I hit the ball miles, but it hit this woman.
I think she was hurt bad so I rushed into the
club house and said "Is there a doctor in,
I've just hit a woman and she's bleeding?"
This bloke stood up and said "I'm a doctor,
where did you hit her?"
"Between the first and second holes" I said.
He sat down and said "I reckon you need a
gynecologist for that one mate"
••
Just ran over my neighbor's cat.
In fairness, though, the damn thing probably
thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
••••
