••
♥
Why did the sword swallow-er swallow an
umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!
••
What is the difference between a cat and a
comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the
other has the clause before the pause.
••
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in
walks this gorgeous woman.
Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next
to her.
He buys her a drink and then another and then
another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk,
Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I
am?
I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
••
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman
he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
••
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way
intersection.
••
It's never too late to follow your dreams.
Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in
which case yes, it's too late.
If a girl ever pulls a knife out on you during
an argument, pull out some bread and mayo.
Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll make
you a sandwich.
••
I was walking along the street the other day
when I stepped in dog shit.
A minute later, some guy did exactly the same
thing.
I said to him, "I just did that."
So, he punched me in the face and called me a
dirty bastard.
••
A recent study has found that women who carry a
little extra weight live longer than the men who
mention it.
••
I tried to convince my little girl that it's
perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But she didn't buy it.
She's still making fun of me.
••
We were doing the weekly ritual of trimming
everyone's nails that needed them today, and I
saw that Kaitlyn's were pretty stubby because
she chews them quite often.
When I asked her if she had been chewing them,
she said "No, I don't know why they aren't
growing.
I haven't been watering them!"
••
What did one virus say to another?.
Stay away I think I've got penicillin!.
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