••
♥
What is the difference between a brown-noser
and a shit-head?
Depth perception.......
••
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend
asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man,
and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription
would be confusing, for passersby would tend to
think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would
inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest
and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to
remark: "That's Strange!"
••
There is this French couple, sitting up talking,
when the wife says to the husband that it was
time he had a conversation with their thirteen
year old son about the birds and the bees.
So the father goes to his son's room and says
"Son do you remember that session I arranged for
you with mademoiselle Ginette ?"
"Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son.
"Well son it is time you knew that the birds and
the bees do the same thing"
••
My wife has just had her first full bikini wax.
It looks like shaved roadkill. . .
••
Not many people know this, but Arnold
Schwarzenegger got his Terminator catch
phrase from the time we spent together
playing a two person horse in a pantomime.
I asked him which half he'd rather be...
••
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - A drunk security man asked
a colleague at the Moscow bank they were
guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it
protected him against the knife....
It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart
wound.
••
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made
any goddamn sandwiches.
••
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store
and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each
"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much
change would I get?" said the boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the
clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the
questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door,
"I don't want to buy the items...that's our
arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed
some help with it."
••
Ode to a Glow Worm....
I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never
glum.
It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun
shines out your bum!
••
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee
is several times more per hour then we get paid
for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the
same model, it hasn't changed since Adam;
but we have to keep up to date with new models
coming every month."
••
Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal
at the saloon.
"Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
••••
