••
♥
Once in a diner, I wanted a Ham & Tomato
toasted sandwich.
After about 10 minutes the waitress came back
and apologized.
"We don't have Ham and Tomato toasted
sandwiches but you can have the 'Special'."
I asked what was in the Special.
"Ham, Tomato, Cheese . . . "
••
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more
comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a
bicycle.
••
In February, according to police in Windsor,
Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33,
died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.
••
A truck driver who had been delivering
radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to
feel sick after a few years on the job.
He decided to seek compensation for his
ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation
department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active
materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take
measures to protect you from radiation
poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear
on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which
you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah.
That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself?
Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container,
all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight.
You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin
and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead
container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right...... All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim
against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not.
I'm claiming for lead poisoning.
••
Help someone when they are in trouble and
they will remember you when they are in
trouble again.
••
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender
and everyone that is sitting near him that he
can fart out the tune to The Star Spangled
Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it.
So he tells everyone to gather around him,
then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers
and proceeds to take a massive dump on the
bar counter.
After he finishes the disgusted bartender says
"Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?"
The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his
throat!"
••
I met my wife outside her Weight Watchers
class to walk her home this evening, but within
minutes, a spaceship appeared from above and
kidnapped the fat bitch.
I immediately called the government's ufo
hotline.
"Ok then sir" said the operator', "can you
describe the alien vessel that abducted your
wife?"
"Yes." I replied. "Typical saucer shaped, metallic
blue in color and a shower of sparks emitting
from the rear."
"Sparks?" He asked.
"Yeah, from dragging along the ground."
••
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
'I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her.'
'Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched,
no good drunk!' she screamed.
'Funny,' he muttered, 'you even sound exactly like
her.'
••
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before
bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit;
she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water
and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses,
she brings his bait box.
She says 'I want you to see this.'
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims
around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm
dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point
clear, 'what do you have to say about this
experiment?'
He responds by saying: 'If I drink whiskey,
I won't get worms!'
••
Two Cows are talking through a fence.
One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really
worried about this Mad Cow Disease."
The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too
worried about it.
It can't affect us chickens."
••••
