••
♥
I ran over a squirrel today... with a lawnmower.
it was really tough getting that lawnmower up
in that tree.
••
My wife was away all weekend at a business
conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Our six-year-old son picked up the phone and
heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty
on the line.
Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came
charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got
Mom! And they want money!"
••
A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.
When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my
Finnish isn't too good."
The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that
hot either."
••
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune
••
I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my willy
in a surfing accident".
He said, "Did you fall off your board?"
I said, "No, I had to shut my laptop really quickly"
••
If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the
UP button.
••
You know your going to have a bad day when;
You jump out of bed and miss the floor..
You put both contacts in the same eye..
You realize that terrible tasting toothpaste is
really preparation h..
You call the suicide prevention hot line and they
put you on hold..
So to avoid a bad day you may want to rethink
that bungee jumping adventure.....
••
"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the
candidates are born.
McCain was born on a military base in Panama.
Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you
believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a
manger."
••
My girlfriend said I was awful in bed, to which
I replied "How can you tell that in 2 minutes?"
••
A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an
expensive restaurant and topped it off with
some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned
the headwaiter.
"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly,
"how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had
me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?"
"I'm very sorry, sir," began the contrite
headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest,
"But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
••
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new
organization has been formed called
"Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they
send over a woman with curlers in her hair,
cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat
to nag him out of it.
••••
