••
♥
There once was a man that had three ears.
One on each side of his head, like regular, and
a third on his forehead.
The ear on the forehead really liked to party,
drink, and dance.
On that ear, there lived 100 fleas.
One flea in particular was the boss of all of the
fleas.
Do you know what they called that flea?
King of the Wild Front Ear.
••
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
••
Auto-correct changed Italian to Taliban, so now
I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my
ricotta cheese.
••
An Irishman was flustered not being able to
find a parking space in a large mall's parking
lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.
If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give
up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to
church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone
on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man said,
"Never mind,I found one."
••
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Perfect setup for skeet shooting.
••
Returning from a golf outing, my husband was
greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old
daughter.
Daddy, who won the golf game?
You or Uncle Richie?
Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my
husband hedged.
We just play to have fun.
Undaunted, Sara said, Okay, Daddy, who had more
fun?
••
A pregnant girl to her doctor ....
I'm two months pregnant, when will the baby move?
Doctor says with any luck right after it finishes
college.
••
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if
they've been drinking, in order to establish
dominance.
••
The spin cycle on the washing machine does
not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.
••
Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same
restaurant together, yet society wants us all to
get along.
••
When I hear my wife using the word diet again..
My first thought is what color is her hair this time?
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