••
♥
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't
need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
••
The only time my wife screams my name in bed
is when I break wind in my sleep.
••
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the
death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc Filipic, 47,
who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish
(like a catfish) and refusing to let
go as he waded in and was pulled under.
Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've
got him!'
Divers found his body after a two-day search.
••
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly
bartenders.
••
The doctor looked at the woman who had come
to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor,
but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs."
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the
doctor without changing expression, "I have some
bad news for you....
••
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby
as though it might be something else,
like a penguin or a lawnmower.
••
Two law partners leave their office and go to
lunch.
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps
his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe
before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about?
We're both here."
••
Went to the store without my dentures,
because really, what are the odds
Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for
the same box of fish sticks?
••
Here's how I gained 27 Ibs. of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.......
••
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner.
They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the
menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister,
those are nuts."
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you
crack with a rock?"
"No...... The kind you rock on a crack."
••
I got in touch with my inner child and the
little shit hung up on me....
♦♦♦♦
