••
♥
A jeweler was approached by his regular client,
Mrs. Havers with a strange request.
Mrs. Havers, who was divorced, asked the
jeweler to make two earrings from her
inscribed wedding band - while one earring
read 'with all', the other one read, 'my love.'
The jeweler was curious and asked her why
she wanted it like that.
Mrs. Havers replied, "Its only to remember that
the next time someone says that to me,
I should let it go in one ear and out the other."
••
There's only two kinds of people in the world
that own scales: people who think they're fat
and drug dealers.
••
Several weeks after a young man had been
hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s
office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager
asked.
“When you applied for the job, you told us you
had 5 years’ experience.
Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever
had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you
said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
••
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank.
They didn't like me saying "get a load of this
guy" time every time someone walked in.
••
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
••
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are
making a movie about the lives of the great
composers.
Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."
Schwarzenegger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."
••
Skipper: I'm not overweight, I just have big
bones.
Gilligan: Yeah, and they're covered with big
meat. - Gilligan's Island
••
Driving home from work today I noticed a man
texting while driving.
Knowing how dangerous that can be I drove up
alongside him, rolled down my window, and
threw my beer at him.
••
Food is an important part of a balanced diet
••
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet....
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
••
One of the most influential minds of the late
16th century. A statesman, a philosopher,
a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored
to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a
snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous
notion that maybe snow could be used to
preserve meat in the same way that salt was
used. Determined to find out, he purchased a
chicken from a nearby village, killed it,
and then, standing outside in the snow,
attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to
freeze it.
The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
••••
