••
♥
I used to like my neighbors until they put a
password on their wifi.
••
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor
countries.
••
Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to
the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady,
I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself" she replied.
••
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman
in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen
year old boy spends three hours every night in
your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied.
"Its a platonic friendship.
Its play for him and a tonic for me."
••
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand,
but there's no room for two night stands.
••
At the first session of a conversion class the
minister conducting the class asked,
"What must we do before we can expect
forgiveness from sin?"
After a long silence, one of the men in
attendance raised his hand and said:
"Sin?"
••
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre....
but they won't let me use their microwave.
••
A famous scientist developed a formula to
bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue
of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and
soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll
do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol
"I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"
••
The Top Signs You're Out of Shape
1.You've ever torn something just trying to turn
off the alarm clock.
2.People at work only refer to you by saying
"Hey fatso!"
3.You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag
of groceries.
4.Random strangers come up, poke you in the
stomach and expect you to giggle.
5.Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have
done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken
plastic.
6.You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The
Oldies.
7.You cramp up while watching the New York City
Marathon.
8.Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout
video.
9.The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away
from the jeans rack and whispers
"Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
••
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of
Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on
earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the
U.S. Treasury.
••••
