••
♥
Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating
to the mind and then turn full-bodied with
age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
••
Once a pirate named Yates
Danced the jig for all of his mates.
He slipped in his cutlass,
And made himself nutless,
And now he's quite useless on dates.
••
"It's never okay to kiss a boy.
They always slobber all over you...
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
••
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS...
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy
feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)
••
The Pope took a philosophy professor
(an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake.
As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher
accidentally dropped an oar and watched it
float away.
The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked
across the water to the oar, grabbed it and
walked back to the boat.
The next day at the university, a colleague
asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing
with the Pope.
"It was okay, but would you believe that guy
can't swim?"
••
Q: What did the instructor at the school for
Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
••
A drunk staggers into a diner... and orders a
couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they've run out,
goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only
have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs.
He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on
hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the
breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks,
"Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one,
because some skunk is screwing your chickens."
••
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday,
when I announced I would like to make a
suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the
car, the house, all the funds in our joint
account and full custody of our children on
one condition...
I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on
her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers
last night, did you?"
••
While teaching a dynamics class the other day
I asked which weighs more a ton of feathers or
a ton of shit?
Everyone agreed they were the same.
So I proposed the question if they are the same
which would rather get hit with?
••
Little Boy: What will communism be like when
perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop
saying, "No one needs meat today."
••
Genghis Khan is looking for a few good
barbarians.
••••
