••
♥
People say:
"The early bird catches the worm"
I say that
"The early worm was caught by the bird"
••
You don't need a parachute to skydive....
you only need a parachute if you want to
skydive twice.
••
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE..
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't
happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to
hide from it.
I have been trying to hide from it since I was
five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
••
The doctor took his patient into the room and
said, "I have some good news and some bad
news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor says, "They're going to name a
disease after you."
••
My exercise program consists of having a lot
of stairs in my home and forgetting things.
••
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that
she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the
pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from
woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy
and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?,"
she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
••
Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot.
He looked at me and said,
"I don't think you have athlete's anything."
••
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age,
what would you prefer to get... Parkinson's or
Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson's...
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to
forget where you keep the bottle!"
••
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY
TO BE A GOOD LOVER...
"One of you should know how to write a check.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is
still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
••
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college
was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to
the class, "ask yourself just one question:
Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room
rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
••
I only do what the little voices inside
my wife's head tell me to do.
••••
