••
♥
I don't drink champagne anymore after a really
bad experience.
We had it at my wedding.
••
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE....
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it
has something to do with how you smell.
That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an
arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't
supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
••
"Marine biology researchers have developed a
new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark
they recommend that you swim towards it
aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your
stump."
••
You can't always tell a married man just by
looking at him.
It might just be a single guy with a headache!!
••
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed
with a terminal illness was determined to prove
wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to
take at least some of his money with him when
he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic
and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away,
he would reach out and grab the bags
on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased
lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean.
Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases
stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that
darned old fool, I knew he should have had me
put the money in the basement."
••
People who tell me to live life to the fullest
have obviously never seen my paycheck.
••
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees,"
so I did.
Now I can't open it because the door faces the
wall.
••
The Louisiana State Police received reports of
illegal cockfights being held in the area around
Natchitoches (pronounced Nack-a-dish) and
sent their famous detective, Bordeaux,
to investigate.
Bordeaux reported to his sergeant the next
morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin"
he began.
"Good work.
Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas
Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find
that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen
dem rooster fights in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a
duck was entered in one of the fights."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that.
But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed
de Cajuns was involved when summbody
bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you
figure the Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
••
I had a few friends over.
They told us that they have 4 sons and needed
advice on how to get a daughter.
Friend#1: Keep trying!
Friend#2: Change your Doctor!
Friend#3: Follow a special diet.
Friend#4: Practice yoga!
But apparently my "Let me try" wasn't very
good advice.
••
Gus knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless
me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and
tell myself how handsome I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at Gus and
said, "Gus, I have good news.
That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
••
I went back to see my doctor today.
I said, "I applied the cream to my nuts that you
gave me this morning and I got a very nasty
reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus."
••••
