••
♥
What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she
had sex yet?
"Not according to Dad."
••
Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was
feeling much better since his operation, but
couldn't account for the enormous bump on the
back of his head.
"Oh, that," chuckled Mrs. Horntoot.
"Just before your operation they suddenly
ran out of ether!"
••
AT&T's slogan is "Reach out and touch
someone."
That shit got me banned from the playground.
••
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel
were chattering and playing around when up
comes a fox.
The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy
squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to
the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel.
"Did you ever try to climb a tree when you
were in love?"
••
I was helping my sister put her Christmas tree
up, and we each began arranging a string of
lights starting from opposite sides of the tree.
When we met in the middle, we realized we
had matched up the two pronged ends of the
lights.
Louise immediately observed, "I guess
two prongs don't make a light."
••
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of
New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid.
"These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you
mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a
prude, officer!
Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
••
500 years ago when men went to war it was
common for them to force their wives to wear
chastity belts while they were away.
Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith
could remove these chastity belts.
This probably explains why 'Smith' is the most
common name in the phone book.
••
“What do you call a musician who steals sheet
music?....... A clef-to maniac.”
••
A little boy was learning about God in his
church, and he was talking to his mother about
it.
She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man
or a woman, and God is not black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is
God Michael Jackson?"
••
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study
and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting
room asking to see you...... Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded,
"Tell him I can't see him."
••
A customer’s new, computerized furnace stops
working.
But each time the technician shows up, it works
flawlessly.
The exasperated technician tells the customer:
“I had a car just like that.
Every time I drove it past the junk yard,
it ran just fine”.
••
For economists, the real world is often a special
case.
Ask five economists and you'll get five different
explanations (six if one went to Harvard).
••••
