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Soon, there will be free global Wi-Fi service
from outer space.
Brilliant! now more people can waste time easily.
••
Look Bruce, just because you call it the
"Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you
still live in your parents basement.
••
An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada,
just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute
between the United States and Canada for years.
The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with
her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a
letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said.
"The government has come to an agreement with
the people in Washington.
They've decided that our land is really part of the
United States.
We have the right to approve or disapprove of the
agreement........ What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his blonde mother said.
"Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we
accept!
I don't think I could stand another one of those
Canadian winters!"
••
Every time you become a grammar
Nazi, the Kardashians is renewed for
an additional season.
••
My wife says that she is a expert at multitasking.
So I asked her: "Then why the hell is it that you
can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
••
Four elderly ladies were driving in a car.
One of the ladies in the car, Rosa, had a heavy
Hispanic accent.
"As we drove thru the industrial area, Rosa said,
'Hey, that's where they make the Huge Measles!'
We all looked at each other, confused, for a moment
before we realized we were going past
the 'Hughes Missle' plant."
••
Easter is approaching.
Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower
decoration of the altar.
The catholic florist - $ 300.
"Too expensive" moans the priest.
The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be
right to buy at another Christian believer, especially
as the price difference is rather small."
But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!
Religion or economics?
After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract.
On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver
the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias,
tulips and carnations.
O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.
When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see
the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon
with the inscription:
"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always
stay the same."
••
She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or
my body?
He: Your sense of humor.
••
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!"
••
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks
'Do you do custom work?'
'Why of course!'
'Good.... I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the
inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul
Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist.
'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can
prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first
man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading
her legs.
'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes
and says.
'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the
fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'
••••
