"Jake" from State Farm....
Goat in a coat......
••
♥
A lawyer called the Governor in the middle of the
night and said, "Sir, I heard that judge Frump just
passed away and I would like to take his place."
The Governor sleepily replied; "Its fine with me,
check with the undertaker."
••
My sisters a personal trainer.
That's a tough job.
I don't think I can do that.
You gotta help people with their fitness goals.
Can you help me define my abs?
Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.
••
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with
her after work.
I don't understand, Cindy complained.
When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an
instant dislike to me.
Why would they do that?
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then
suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
••
Little Johnny was in Math class when the teacher
asked the class to solve a problem.
The problem was like this:
A rich man worth twenty million dollars dies.
One fourth of his wealth goes to his wife, one third to
his daughter, and one fifth to his nephew,
and the rest is donated to old people's home.
Now, what does each party get?"
Little Johnny, sitting on the last bench replied,
"A lawyer!"
••
Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days
from the widow in the apartment next door,
the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go
next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"
A few minutes later, Tony returned.
"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.
"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you,"
remarked Tony.
"At me?" the mother exclaimed.... "Whatever for?"
Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your
business how old she is."
••
The last time I went camping, someone forgot the
corkscrew.
We had to live on nothing but food and water for 2
days.
••
"A recent poll indicates that 71 percent of those who
voted for Obama now regret it," according to
comedian Jodi Miller, "Coincidentally those 71
percent are now being audited by the IRS."
••
A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans.
I went out and bought a convertible.
Then she bleached her hair.
I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots.
Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a
"tummy tuck."
I got an implant.
And that's the way its been for the two of us:
side by side -- growing young together.
••
There once was a boring young Reverend
Who preached till it seemed he would never end.
His hearers, en masse,
Got a pain in the ass,
And prayed--- for relief of their nether end.
••
"A man who won't lie to a woman has very
little consideration for her feelings."
••••
