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♥
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station,
smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs
say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited,
severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out,
she panicked.
She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it
happened and he tried to stop her to put out
her arm, but she just kept running and
screaming. All the officer could think of doing
was to shoot her in the knee.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out,
then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to
stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was
to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
♠♠
Dear Colgate,
I've been struggling with Parkinson's Disease
for several years now.
On the plus side, I have the whitest teeth you'll
ever see.
♠♠
On a recent trip to New York, there was a one
of those small info signs on the check-in desk.
It said: Breakfast 6-10; Lunch 11-3; Dinner 4-11.
Wife took one look at that and said "How in the
world are we gonna do any sight-seeing ?
We'll be so busy eating, we won't have time for
anything else."
♠♠
Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?
Now that the kids are grown and gone,
my wife sez she needs more "outside interests".
I thought I'd surprise her and presented her
with a brand new fancy lawn mower, just the
other day.
Now, she's mad with me.
♠♠
Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements
take Viagra...
It may cause them to spin around and point
north.
♠♠
A salesman 's car breaks down at night on a deserted
road.
So he walks to the nearest farm.
Exhausted, the salesman knocks on the farmers door.
The farmer answers and the salesman explains his
car broke down and could he stay until morning.
The farmer says "You can stay in the barn with the
old drunk, but not in the house with my daughter.
The old drunk helps me on the farm.
He won't bother you none.
We'll get up in the morning, eat breakfast and fix
your car.
Stay in the barn so the dogs won't bark waking
everybody up."
The salesman thanks the farmer.
The salesman sleeps in the barn.
But in the middle of the night has to take the worst
shit of his life.
He's double over in pain.
But he doesn't want to wake everybody up or to mess
up the kind farmer's barn.
Well, the salesman can't help it.
So pulls down the old drunks pants and takes a
massive nasty elephant shit.
The next morning the farmer and salesman eat
breakfast and fix the car.
The salesman thanks the farmer and gets on his way.
A few months later, the salesman stops to thank the
farmer again for his hospitality.
The salesman asks the farmer Where was the old
drunk?
The farmer says "The old drunk went crazy trying to
figure out how he took a giant shit in his pants
without going thru his underwear"
♠♠
Don't forget that children of all ages have one
thing in common; they close their ears to
advice and open their eyes to example.
♠♠
Brian received a phone call:
"HI, I'm phoning on behalf of the Children's
Workshop where we can help you with special
offers, ....etc"
I interrupted her and informed her that I
didn't have any children.
"Do you have any grandchildren?",
she then asked.
♠♠
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a
passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see
how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah.
You'd move fast too if you had three assholes
and they were all on fire!"
♠♠
Dude took his watch to the German watch
repair man.
Dude says, "It just goes tick tick tick."
German watch repair man says to the watch,
"Vee have vays of making you tock"
♠♠
What's the ugly white slab in my can of beans?
Ans. It's the queen bean, all the rest are worker
beans.
♠♠
We had spent our vacation with my husband's
family at their shore home.
My 2-year-old daughter, Tabatha, had shared
a bedroom with her grandparents, and much
to our surprise, her grandfather's snoring
hadn't disturbed her.
In fact, it seemed to have a soothing effect on
her.
About a week after we returned home,
Tabatha and I were outside on the deck when
someone up the block started a power saw.
Tabatha's face lit up. "Grandpop!" she squealed.
♠♠
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when
they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
♠♠♠♠
