••
♥
The priest stood at the lectern, behind the
coffin that contained the remains of the town
drunk, a very poor example of manhood.
His thoughts scrambled for something positive
to say about the man to the gathering in the
small chapel, and, after a while, recalling the
years of abuse the old drunk gave his wife and
sons, his dishonesty and trouble-making,
finally admitted he was at a loss for words and
said, "Does anyone have anything positive to
say about our poor deceased friend?"
You could have heard a pin fall on the floor.
"Again, please, does anyone have anything
good to say about our departed neighbor?"
"Aye," shrilled the voice of an old woman who
stood up in the rear.
"His brother was worse!"
••
This fisherman goes to the river to check an
illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no
Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull
the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!”
he said and the fisherman spun around and
yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn't expecting such a
response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing
Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman,
“I thought you were the bugger who owned
this fish trap”.
••
The world's shortest laugh...
The laugh one enjoys right after letting one go
that smells so bad that it would gag a maggot
and just before rolling down the window to
find out why the cop pulled you over.
••
What did the vampire say to the wolfman?
You look like your going to the dogs!
••
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not
know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she
showed her how.
Once they were done feeding them, the blonde
said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''
••
The mother-in-law arrives home from the
shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a
steaming rage and hurriedly packing his
suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was
coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home ... and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with
Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage.
I'm done...... I'm leaving forever!"
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says
his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here.
Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out
what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back
with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple
explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"
••
A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked
down the street arm in arm in
arm in arm... arm in arm...
••
An elderly woman is looking out her window,
watching a crew of gas men working.
The gas men are just finishing up their job and
the younger ones challenge the older ones to a
foot-race back to the truck.
As they near the truck, they see the elderly lady
running behind them.
She tells them: “When I see gas men running
like that I know it’s time to get out!”
••
Fear of encountering snakes while crawling
through the crawlspace under the house to get
to the crawlspace furnace:
“A reptile dysfunction.”
••
Don't forget that children of all ages have one
thing in common; they close their ears to
advice and open their eyes to example.
••
GRANDMOTHERS have three major objectives:
keep billfold pictures current, buy whatever
grandchildren are selling, and give kids
impractical gifts that parents have forbidden
them to have.
••
And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy,
you take over.
••••
