••
♥
I signed up for a well known diet plan.
So far, all I've lost is $200.
••
Funny new trend at the office.
People putting names on food in the company
fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.
••
They're eating scorpions on Fear Factor.
If they pass this round, it's on to my wife's
meatloaf.
••
A man is walking around the streets of New York
one day when he spies an old friend of his from
college.
"Boris!" he yells.
"I haven't seen you in ages!
How have you been ?"
"Well," Boris replies; "I am the piccolo player for
the International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend.
We play for the king of England, he loves the
music.
He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they
fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone
with gold, and then there's me with the damn
piccolo.
"We play for the queen of France.
She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments
with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and
they fill the trombone with silver, and then there's
me with the damn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia.
He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments
up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the
trombone doesn't fit..and then there's me with
the damn piccolo!"
••
Autocorrect has been around for a long time.
I got mine when I married my wife.
••
Thanks to plastic surgery, anyone can now look
like an elderly teenager.
••
A man is having trouble with his business.
Whatever he tries, nothing seems to work.
Exasperated, he goes to church to ask for an
advice.
Preacher tell him: "All the answers are in the
Bible, my son.
Just open it and you'll see an answer to your
problem".
Businessman follows the advice - he goes home,
opens his Bible and the first thing he sees is:
"Chapter 11".
••
The therapist told my wife to put some magic in
our marriage.
So she disappeared.
••
I've had so much coffee,
I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car.
••
A young Jewish girl was nearly 10 years old.
One day, she comes home from school and
says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national
costume.
My teacher told all of the class to come to
school next Monday wearing our national
costumes.
"Oy vay!" he cries.
"She's not even ten, already, and she wants a
mink coat!"
••
Wisdom doesn't always come with age.
Sometimes age just shows up by itself.
••••
