♣♣
♥
It's all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the
lobsters in the ship's kitchen.....
♣♣
Wife got good news from the doctor today.
He said she wasn't going to die if she didn't get that
new designer handbag.
♣♣
Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police
officer, asked the judge to please remind her to
re-register a gun he'd given her in her name.
"You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to register it in
my name."
The judge said, "Why's this so important?"
"Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with
'my own gun'."
The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his
face to hide his laughter.
♣♣
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one
lurched backward off his bar-stool and lay motionless ]
on the floor.
"One thing about Gus," his buddy said to the
bartender, "he knows when to stop."
♣♣
Don't die a virgin....
there's a bunch of Muslims waiting for you up there.
••
What if Hillary wins !!!
First Lady Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents
jog into a D.C. McDonald's....
Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let's stop here for a
second.
I'm a little parched from the fog.
Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we've only been jogging
for three blocks.
Besides, President Clinton asked us not to let you in
any more fast food places.
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American
people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a
Diet Coke, or something..
Secret Service Agent #1: Fine......
But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something -
there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell
Mrs. Clinton about.
Fast food is the least of our worries.
♣♣
A friend of mine just got divorced.
He and his ex-wife split the house.
He got the outside.
♣♣
It's been a tough day...
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
But she said we can still be cousins
♣♣
An old redneck had been working industriously
with a stub pencil and a piece of paper.
Suddenly he looked up and smiled.
He exclaimed, "Doggoned it Maw, if I ain't
done learned to write."
Maw got up and looked at the lines scrawled
across the paper.
"What does it say" ?
"I don't know", the redneck replied,
"I ain't learned to read yet."
♣♣
There are a lot of special women in my life,
but Betty Crocker takes the cake.
♠♠
After stumbling into my first AA meeting last
night, I sat down and said, "Hello, I'm Dave and
I'm an alcoholic."
"Are you drunk right now?" asked some guy.
"Yes." I slurred.
"Thought so," he replied, "This is a mosque."
♣♣♣♣
