Mean Kitty......
••
♥
Lady – “So do you drink?”
Man – “I used to drink a lot, but I quit cold
turkey.
Lady – “Wow, that must take a lot of self
control.”
Man – “Well I found out I was allergic to it,
every time I drank I broke out in handcuffs.”
••
SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky.
The following morning you can create the effects of
a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish
washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.
••
An elderly man was stopped by the police
around 2 AM and was asked where he was
going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture
about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on
the human body, as well as smoking, and
staying out late".
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night"?
The man replied, "That would be my wife".
••
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain
into an argument on the issue of polygamy.
After long and tedious expositions justifying the
practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite
any passage of scripture expressly forbidding
polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied.
"No man can serve two masters."
••
What's the difference between roast beef and
pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
••
Two rednecks were in the woods hunting.
One looked at the other and said, "I've gotta
take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those
big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper
to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar,
don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar.
That's a great idea!.... I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his
hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked,
"What in the hell happened?"
He replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your
butt with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
••
Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?
To open windows....
••
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
••
3 nuns were killed in an accident.
They show at the pearly gates, and St.Peter tells
them they must answer one Biblical question
to be admitted.
Says he will make it easy for them though.
First is asked, what was the name of the first
man on earth.
She answers , why Adam of course.
Bells rang, lights flashed and the gates swung
open!
The next was asked , the name of the first
woman, that is easy, has to be Eve!
Bells rang, lights flashed, gates swung open.
Next Nun stepped up, St Peter thought for a
moment,, then asked "what were the first words
Eve spoke to Adam?
The nun deep in thought for a few minutes, then
remarked, "boy, that is a hard one."
Bells rang, lights flashed, and gates swung open!!
••
Man: May I buy you a drink?
Lady: That's very nice of you, but I can't,
because of my legs.
Man: Oh, do they swell?
Lady: No, they spread.
••
Adam and Eve
Adam was returning home late one night.
When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?"
she accused.
"Don't be silly," he replied.
"You are the only woman on earth."
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle
on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"I am counting your ribs."
••
Why did the 3 little pigs have to buy an electric
furnace instead of a gas furnace?
The neighbors didn't want to be near a
swine flue.
••••
